i no more want to ride in the train.
i want to be alongside the train.
standing on the tracks.
accepting the wind that will whip through and splash over my entire self.
so powerful, it will take my breath away.
in one second.
i will be gasping for the air i so wanted to receive.
and then smile.
that moment.
as it passes.
such motion, intensity--me, right beside it.
i no more want to fly in the plane.
i want to fly myself.
soaring through the clouds.
accepting the experience that i so miss here on the ground.
i want the air to receive me, as i receive it.
i no more want to ride on the boat on top of the waves so crashing.
i want to be in the water, between the waves so crashing.
crashing on me.
sweeping through me, around me then in me.
temperature will no longer be an issue.
movement will swift unless moved myself.
i no longer can wait on myself.
i want all experiences to wash over me.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
highlights of my weekend.
in a nutshell.
eva cassidy.
dang this woman's got lungs, and soul. possible new obsession for the time being.
moving my salmon dresser to my apartment with two close brothers.
salmon dresser.
yes, i said it.
oh man!
& i got it for thirty five dollars.
where my books will now go.
well, some of them.
i think i may need four or five dressers.
all wonderful colors.
captivating colors.
like a spearmint and a fiery golden yellow that sparkles and becomes inflamed when the sun hits it.
that would make my world complete.
a hummingbird story told me with such passion, intensity and love my soul cried out for more.
tears just about formed.
my passion of listening confirmed my heart.
not that it needed confirming, its known it all along.
just a form of communication so the mind and heart can go on being friends.
communication is everything.
listening and loving.
sharing your heart with another, and being there while they share theirs.
a good will trip that masters the feelings of all things good.
all things glorious and great.
with one of the dearest people in my life.
such greatness.
the drive.
the talks.
the clothes.
so funny and beautiful.
crazy and insane.
so katie.
so diana.
the laughs.
such greatness.
sundays.
my love for sundays would require me typing the word, sundays, a billion times for emphasis.
but i won't.
you get the picture.
sunday.
church.
another great time to have with God.
in glorious fellowship with His children.
listening and singing.
so great.
bethlehem.
georgia, that is.
youth trip.
such sweet people.
my brothers included.
music.
watching.
oh the watching.
of youth at their best.
the insecurities and the need to be the center of attention.
every one of them.
pizza.
lots of pizza.
dancing yourself away.
my weekend was pretty awesome.
i want to remember.
eva cassidy.
dang this woman's got lungs, and soul. possible new obsession for the time being.
moving my salmon dresser to my apartment with two close brothers.
salmon dresser.
yes, i said it.
oh man!
& i got it for thirty five dollars.
where my books will now go.
well, some of them.
i think i may need four or five dressers.
all wonderful colors.
captivating colors.
like a spearmint and a fiery golden yellow that sparkles and becomes inflamed when the sun hits it.
that would make my world complete.
a hummingbird story told me with such passion, intensity and love my soul cried out for more.
tears just about formed.
my passion of listening confirmed my heart.
not that it needed confirming, its known it all along.
just a form of communication so the mind and heart can go on being friends.
communication is everything.
listening and loving.
sharing your heart with another, and being there while they share theirs.
a good will trip that masters the feelings of all things good.
all things glorious and great.
with one of the dearest people in my life.
such greatness.
the drive.
the talks.
the clothes.
so funny and beautiful.
crazy and insane.
so katie.
so diana.
the laughs.
such greatness.
sundays.
my love for sundays would require me typing the word, sundays, a billion times for emphasis.
but i won't.
you get the picture.
sunday.
church.
another great time to have with God.
in glorious fellowship with His children.
listening and singing.
so great.
bethlehem.
georgia, that is.
youth trip.
such sweet people.
my brothers included.
music.
watching.
oh the watching.
of youth at their best.
the insecurities and the need to be the center of attention.
every one of them.
pizza.
lots of pizza.
dancing yourself away.
my weekend was pretty awesome.
i want to remember.
Friday, January 13, 2012
my ultimate purpose
as a recurring comment and conversation i have with diana countless amount of times, following words and feelings, similarity flies up and then i start to think deeper on the subject. these words that are spoken sound a little something like this.
a nonchalant thing is said on death and then...words are uttered in a complete opened thrill on her end.
...."wouldn't that be so great! you get to be with our Savior Jesus Christ forever and ever."
beautiful. if i do say so myself. and i agree in all of its entirety as thorough as a bubble is to the sand on the beach. however, i am a twenty three year old girl. i love what God has to offer me and show me here on earth. my mind starts thinking deeper. my life here on earth is not a forever home. thank goodness for that. but my home here is timeless. time is ticking. in my thoughts and heart i thoroughly feel that i have a purpose here to fulfill. God has put me in charge of certain things. not only that, but i am to live out a certain purpose. to bring glory and honor to His sweet name.
we both agree that we don't know when our time is and when it is our time, that's it. His plan is His plan only. amen & amen.
the more we talk--and the more i think--which can be dangerous at times--i am buried in feelings of intensity and somewhere in my inner being there is a scent of closure and and it all starts opening up.
"i [only] want Him to be proud of me."
this is my ultimate goal.
my ultimate feeling.
my ultimate purpose on this earth.
that is what i want my end result to be.
to hear these words will bring me to my knees in praise and my heart will open so wide that hopefully somehow some of it will drop and trickle down to earth into others.
well done, good and faithful servant. you have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. come and share your master's happiness. --------------{Matthew 25:23}
Thursday, December 01, 2011
december first-lings.
my december first observations of beauty.
i love the first of every month.
it's like a fresh new spray of life.
a new shot of a brand new quarter.
thanksgiving is not the only time that i observe thankfulness.
blessings and full abundance--i experience every day.
i am thankful for many things on a daily basis, which i am extremely grateful for.
today was karate day with palmer.
i always sit with two older ladies who are proud grandmothers and laugh at just about everything i say.
we talked about pregnancy--as this subject always seems to come up in the karate room.
lots of girls expecting, just given birth, the process is as natural and forthcoming in this small group i am in, tuesdays and thursdays.
i am thankful for my karate circle.
that's as far as it goes--sometimes i wish it would go further.
the two sweet ladies and i talked about my apartment, my moving.
my anecdotes about my bed, my disgustingly ugly brown kitchen floor and family.
we laughed a ton.
it was refreshing.
in the midst of one of my out bursts i instantly thought of God and how wonderfully he blesses me.
in these moments that i so desperately need--and want.
solid interaction.
a routine of conversations and laughter as a result is just the icing on my thankful cake.
i love it.
tanner & palmer's laughter.
their laughs are amazing.
all three of ours in simultaneous tone makes me warm and prominent in the here and now.
the music that is always so laced through my ears and all the way through my being.
water to drink.
i just love the stuff.
when i'm driving the boys home and i glance behind me to see tanner so intently watching me.
like he's studying my every move--but totally soaking up all he wants.
and looking warm in the process, as the sun highlights his sweet face.
makes me wonder.
when i was little i would stare--and study the people who were actively in my life.
i wanted to not only get a piece of them, but a whole.
i wanted to learn.
i wanted to start my memories early.
i did.
people are so important to me.
& i let them know they are important to me.
every move was precious to me.
but i then wondered what tanner was thinking when i glanced behind my evening lit shoulder.
i wondered how i would be remembered to these little boys in training.
probably--she loves listening and singing to music.
and loves to take pictures.
of everything.
and take videos.
and dance to tangled.
ah, if these are their growing memories, that would be okay with me.
i love the first of december.
i love the first of every month.
it's like a fresh new spray of life.
a new shot of a brand new quarter.
thanksgiving is not the only time that i observe thankfulness.
blessings and full abundance--i experience every day.
i am thankful for many things on a daily basis, which i am extremely grateful for.
today was karate day with palmer.
i always sit with two older ladies who are proud grandmothers and laugh at just about everything i say.
we talked about pregnancy--as this subject always seems to come up in the karate room.
lots of girls expecting, just given birth, the process is as natural and forthcoming in this small group i am in, tuesdays and thursdays.
i am thankful for my karate circle.
that's as far as it goes--sometimes i wish it would go further.
the two sweet ladies and i talked about my apartment, my moving.
my anecdotes about my bed, my disgustingly ugly brown kitchen floor and family.
we laughed a ton.
it was refreshing.
in the midst of one of my out bursts i instantly thought of God and how wonderfully he blesses me.
in these moments that i so desperately need--and want.
solid interaction.
a routine of conversations and laughter as a result is just the icing on my thankful cake.
i love it.
tanner & palmer's laughter.
their laughs are amazing.
all three of ours in simultaneous tone makes me warm and prominent in the here and now.
the music that is always so laced through my ears and all the way through my being.
water to drink.
i just love the stuff.
when i'm driving the boys home and i glance behind me to see tanner so intently watching me.
like he's studying my every move--but totally soaking up all he wants.
and looking warm in the process, as the sun highlights his sweet face.
makes me wonder.
when i was little i would stare--and study the people who were actively in my life.
i wanted to not only get a piece of them, but a whole.
i wanted to learn.
i wanted to start my memories early.
i did.
people are so important to me.
& i let them know they are important to me.
every move was precious to me.
but i then wondered what tanner was thinking when i glanced behind my evening lit shoulder.
i wondered how i would be remembered to these little boys in training.
probably--she loves listening and singing to music.
and loves to take pictures.
of everything.
and take videos.
and dance to tangled.
ah, if these are their growing memories, that would be okay with me.
i love the first of december.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
one with nature
while thinking of nature 85 percent of my day already--i dug this up on my computer. the followed writing of thought is one i did just this time, last year.
do you think that if I planted my feet into the ground amongst the trees that stand brave and tall I could become one with nature and into that type of family and world?
If I closed my eyes and focused and spread my weak pale arms to the sides, I could become something so amazing?
Do you think that I could experience differently all four seasons in such an original way of wonder and beauty such as they do?
Do you think that if I could concentrate hard enough and cry every day, month or even year I could turn into rain?
Do you think that if i should dance and twirl my way into complete dizziness I could become one with the wind?
Do you think that if I painted my skin a more neon yellow, dressed myself in all yellow clothes and shoes, bleached my hair white to stand in a ray of sunshine like a lone reed, the sun would zap me up to its blindness and guide like light?
Do you think that I could force myself to sit in the coldest of lockers and freeze myself into ice that I would then enter into a phase that possibly only a selected few could even think of?
Do you think that I would then finally be able to shed the light into darkness, the leaves into bare nothingness, the ice into water and then rain into mud?
To shed something as natural as the seasons can, in a healthy way instead of anger, hurt, frustration and pain?
But possibly even as twisted as all of this may be, to shed the emotions we do is our healthy way as humans to process and live.
However, I want to be one with nature, so maybe--just maybe--I could turn into rain, wind, ice, sunshine and even the trees.
The world may never know.
But I would like to think so.
do you think that if I planted my feet into the ground amongst the trees that stand brave and tall I could become one with nature and into that type of family and world?
If I closed my eyes and focused and spread my weak pale arms to the sides, I could become something so amazing?
Do you think that I could experience differently all four seasons in such an original way of wonder and beauty such as they do?
Do you think that if I could concentrate hard enough and cry every day, month or even year I could turn into rain?
Do you think that if i should dance and twirl my way into complete dizziness I could become one with the wind?
Do you think that if I painted my skin a more neon yellow, dressed myself in all yellow clothes and shoes, bleached my hair white to stand in a ray of sunshine like a lone reed, the sun would zap me up to its blindness and guide like light?
Do you think that I could force myself to sit in the coldest of lockers and freeze myself into ice that I would then enter into a phase that possibly only a selected few could even think of?
Do you think that I would then finally be able to shed the light into darkness, the leaves into bare nothingness, the ice into water and then rain into mud?
To shed something as natural as the seasons can, in a healthy way instead of anger, hurt, frustration and pain?
But possibly even as twisted as all of this may be, to shed the emotions we do is our healthy way as humans to process and live.
However, I want to be one with nature, so maybe--just maybe--I could turn into rain, wind, ice, sunshine and even the trees.
The world may never know.
But I would like to think so.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
i played my best for Him.
my drive yesterday was one of the best drives from georgia to maryland i have ever had.
i woke up at three thirty a.m.
finished things around the house and headed out around four.
perfect.
my plan was coming true.
i got gas, the best cup of coffee (seriously) from pilot and a sliver square of packaged pound cake.
i enjoy the little things--as most of you know.
i think this is what i am known for.
this cup of coffee was amazing.
i pulled the dark roast lever and down it poured.
steam filling my face with happiness.
a touch of dark hazelnut blended within this mix and i finished with a lid.
such a great blend.
filled my car with gas and braved the darkness around me on highway twenty.
the earlier i leave, the absolute better.
i turned my ipod on shuffle and didn't touch it the whole way.
mentally i wanted to clean it out.
if a song came on that i couldn't stand, despised, etc. i would write it down quickly and delete it when i got to maryland.
i only made two mental notes over one hundred and sixty songs.
i figured more would come out of the nine thousand some songs i have--but that didn't happen.
outside, it was dark for a long time.
the sun never really came out until some time in north carolina.
the weather was constantly changing through the four states i drove through.
even through the rain, the darkness, and the length it was such a beautiful trip.
my songs were great.
i love that shuffle button.
then my favorite christmas song came on.
well---one of--maybe number two.
hands down my favorite christmas song/hymn is "o holy night."
but as i have gotten older, "little drummer boy" has seriously bumped up a few notches.
i never liked this song when i was little.
it annoyed me quite frankly but i have seriously come to love it.
it was my inspiration yesterday.
i listened to 'Josh Groban's, "little drummer boy" four times.
right after the other.
it's my favorite.
and it was amazing to notice the emotion it brings when that one note starts singing out of my speakers.
an instant emotion.
i blasted this song.
volume fifty.
then a thought floated in my mind.
i am growing.
i am aging.
i am getting older.
wiser.
smarter.
my priorities are selfless.
i am conforming to God in a way that He wants me to.
i am not conforming to this world but to His word and commandments.
my appreciation for God has immensely sky rocketed since my move here to georgia.
almost two years coming this april.
my walk with Him has been consistent and sweet.
He is always holding my hand but i take His hand in mine daily.
so much has changed for me.
so much of my thoughts have changed.
from a psychology loving--feelings and emotions scientific girl to a Christ obsessed-Book of truths and promises studying and reading-non-psychological and practicality girl------i.am.growing.
[insert scream of happiness here.]
this song came dancing into my heart.
and i instantly choked up.
tears started flowing.
i got this inner chill as if someone turned on my personal a/c.
an inner chill i am very familiar with.
an inner chill that i am thankful for.
{because God is telling me something.}
it's a symbol and a notification that i am in fact still working.
my emotions are in tune.
nothing is flat.
they are all real.
and they are God infused.
God lead.
God is in charge---he orchestrates it all.
my thought----"you can tell that you are getting older when you start instantly crying over a specific phrase, word, or musical note that isn't brought on by nostalgia."
but by praise and thanksgiving.
quickly followed by,
thank you God for You and for Your son.
thank you God for everything you do for me.
i want to honor You.
i want to play my drum for You.
what a pivotal moment that is happening.
that has happened.
that i want to constantly center as my offering for Him.
it was a life changing, noticeably endearing and loving moment as i was on 295 north.
i am studying this sweet little drummer boy.
i have a new love.
i have established a new tradition that i always remember-----years to come.
[shall i play for you. on my drum. i play my drum for Him. so to honor Him. i played my best for Him. then He smiled at me. me and my drum.
it's not about me. it's about Him.]
i woke up at three thirty a.m.
finished things around the house and headed out around four.
perfect.
my plan was coming true.
i got gas, the best cup of coffee (seriously) from pilot and a sliver square of packaged pound cake.
i enjoy the little things--as most of you know.
i think this is what i am known for.
this cup of coffee was amazing.
i pulled the dark roast lever and down it poured.
steam filling my face with happiness.
a touch of dark hazelnut blended within this mix and i finished with a lid.
such a great blend.
filled my car with gas and braved the darkness around me on highway twenty.
the earlier i leave, the absolute better.
i turned my ipod on shuffle and didn't touch it the whole way.
mentally i wanted to clean it out.
if a song came on that i couldn't stand, despised, etc. i would write it down quickly and delete it when i got to maryland.
i only made two mental notes over one hundred and sixty songs.
i figured more would come out of the nine thousand some songs i have--but that didn't happen.
outside, it was dark for a long time.
the sun never really came out until some time in north carolina.
the weather was constantly changing through the four states i drove through.
even through the rain, the darkness, and the length it was such a beautiful trip.
my songs were great.
i love that shuffle button.
then my favorite christmas song came on.
well---one of--maybe number two.
hands down my favorite christmas song/hymn is "o holy night."
but as i have gotten older, "little drummer boy" has seriously bumped up a few notches.
i never liked this song when i was little.
it annoyed me quite frankly but i have seriously come to love it.
it was my inspiration yesterday.
i listened to 'Josh Groban's, "little drummer boy" four times.
right after the other.
it's my favorite.
and it was amazing to notice the emotion it brings when that one note starts singing out of my speakers.
an instant emotion.
i blasted this song.
volume fifty.
then a thought floated in my mind.
i am growing.
i am aging.
i am getting older.
wiser.
smarter.
my priorities are selfless.
i am conforming to God in a way that He wants me to.
i am not conforming to this world but to His word and commandments.
my appreciation for God has immensely sky rocketed since my move here to georgia.
almost two years coming this april.
my walk with Him has been consistent and sweet.
He is always holding my hand but i take His hand in mine daily.
so much has changed for me.
so much of my thoughts have changed.
from a psychology loving--feelings and emotions scientific girl to a Christ obsessed-Book of truths and promises studying and reading-non-psychological and practicality girl------i.am.growing.
[insert scream of happiness here.]
this song came dancing into my heart.
and i instantly choked up.
tears started flowing.
i got this inner chill as if someone turned on my personal a/c.
an inner chill i am very familiar with.
an inner chill that i am thankful for.
{because God is telling me something.}
it's a symbol and a notification that i am in fact still working.
my emotions are in tune.
nothing is flat.
they are all real.
and they are God infused.
God lead.
God is in charge---he orchestrates it all.
my thought----"you can tell that you are getting older when you start instantly crying over a specific phrase, word, or musical note that isn't brought on by nostalgia."
but by praise and thanksgiving.
quickly followed by,
thank you God for You and for Your son.
thank you God for everything you do for me.
i want to honor You.
i want to play my drum for You.
what a pivotal moment that is happening.
that has happened.
that i want to constantly center as my offering for Him.
it was a life changing, noticeably endearing and loving moment as i was on 295 north.
i am studying this sweet little drummer boy.
i have a new love.
i have established a new tradition that i always remember-----years to come.
[shall i play for you. on my drum. i play my drum for Him. so to honor Him. i played my best for Him. then He smiled at me. me and my drum.
it's not about me. it's about Him.]
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
part two--a glitter piece of thankfulness
my intro to being thankful.
on paper--for the year 2011.
the beginning to lots of glittery pages.
there is so much.
and it's all going down.
a documentation.
a lovely work in progress.
quick weather changes
matty came home the other day from school not feeling well.
now all three of the blanton brothers have stayed home one day each in a one week radius.
i think.
i'm not going to swear to it, but i'm 90 percent sure i'm right.
so he really wanted a mcflurry from mcdonalds.
he got the ok, got the money and we piled in my car on the way to mickeyd's.
point of this story--he rolled his window down.
and i love him for doing it.
i wouldn't have done it.
i lived through the summer with all my windows down.
i suffered rain soaked seats.
roaches to kill in the dead of night.
nature debris laying everywhere.
i loved it but it was also work.
and a pain.
but he rolled that window down and the sweet summer-like breeze seeped in and made itself a home.
within myself.
i was most thankful and rolled out the welcome mat.
i am a roll-your-windows-down-thankful-for-the-warm-air-breeze-[girl]--all around.
my appreciation list is then quickly filled in my mind.
my serotonin level gets jacked up.
i feel lighter and i can conquer anything that should come my way.
i left the window down as i traveled to work in greensboro.
i kept it down as i traveled back home at night.
i love having my windows done.
i even see clearer.
i am so thankful.
for the weather.
that we can [enjoy.]
then we got hit with a crazy monsoon last night.
the rain was pouring.
it was piercing my car.
the roads.
the trees and homeless cats.
and as i was packing for my trip to maryland i was overcome with extreme hunger.
i grabbed my rain jacket, ran out to my car and sat down quickly.
i looked beside me and saw my moleskin journal on the passenger seat seemed darker in color.
i gasped.
i left my window down.
my purse was soaked.
my wallet.
[when i was at work hours before there was a sweet loose leaf piece of paper with some glitter that the boys had accidentally put on the corners and it had dried beautifully. it was ripped a little but i was instantly drawn to this piece of paper. i began writing on it. and i turned it into a beginning devotion of what i am thankful for. it would have sparkled even without the glitter but it was most endearing and i made it a part of me. ]
this magical piece of paper had been rained on.
i must have gasped twenty times because that's all i could do.
it was most troublesome and confusing at the time.
after i was done i picked it up and allowed it to rest in the back seat.
a better atmosphere then the front part of the car.
all in all it was a sad moment---but! i quickly rolled the window up and got some food.
i had realized that most things dry.
simple, yes.
but sometimes that's all we need.
to not wallow in that moment.
i can't change it.
thank goodness it dried today on my way to maryland.
eleven beautiful hours to do so.
and now i am even more thankful then before.
Monday, November 21, 2011
a broken glittery beautiful mess.
this bittersweet thing happened to me yesterday.
i was making coffee and this enormous wine glass was slightly more to the edge of the counter way more then it needed to be--thanks to the cleaning ladies friday morning.
but this is not their fault.
it's mine.
i lifted my arm to fill the filter with coffee when all of a sudden my arm brushed it just a hair, and down it fell leaving an amazing sound that i oddly enjoyed and a huge mess of miniature and large glass pieces sprawled all over the floor.
it was one of the moments like the alarm system.
you feel what's going to happen.
then you know it.
then you see it.
i'm watching this glass fall and i am not quick enough to catch it or even do anything before it shatters to the ground.
you know the sound is coming---just like the alarm system.
but then as everything registers and you are able to than accept what happens next you are left standing by the coffee maker, stunned, amazed and slightly in awe of what's around you.
in this case me.
i didn't get mad.
i didn't say something cross---even though all of it was my fault.
i yelled to the boys to not come in for fear of not wanting what could happen next.
no.
i stayed still and looked at the beauty--and destruction on the floor.
something so put together.
intricately perfect.
and clearly beautiful to then
b.r.e.a.k...
in a hundred pieces.
all it took was a second.
strangely, i wasn't stressed.
i wasn't nervous.
what had already happened, indeed in fact happened.
i can't take it back.
and with that comes acceptance.
accepting of the things that i can not change.
so i walked carefully over to the broom and swept up all of the visible and blended pieces that matched so well with the tiled floor.
i swept it all into a pile.
a pile of glistening mess.
but this pile was too beautiful to me.
so of course i took a picture and reflected on the amazingness.
this is going to sound girly, and frivelous but i know that God puts glitter in things so i can look at them differently.
He puts glitter in the water.
the black concrete roads.
the edges of branches high up in the trees when the sun sets on them.
the rain as it covers His beauty everywhere.
He just does---and it's beautiful.
very much like this pile of glass.
even though it had broken, it was still beautiful to me.
even more so then before.
epiphany?
a lovely reminder for me on a daily basis that when things don't seem to go our way and hurt in the process--even though they all have some sort of beauty billowing from the corners---when life shatters and all else seems to fail He puts a little glitter in it for me.
i can see a new light, and a new way of looking at what He wants me to look at.
for some situations when you go down the road of years laced with unhappiness, God allows you to see why He did what He did.
maybe, to take you out of a situation that you obviously couldn't handle or could have caused more bitterness in that moment of life.
maybe, to take you out of something that you really could have ruined not only for yourself, but for others and the lesson would have been to unbearable to experience.
God is our-my protector.
yes, we may go through things that are painful--but the outcome is glorious because He shines right through.
a sweet reminder that you're not alone.
you're never alone.
i took this picture and admired it a little too long.
but it's beautiful as God makes all things beautiful.
we just have to notice them.
and then praise and thank Him for it.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
head.aches.ruin.everything.
-----but God reigns over [all].
and makes everything even better.
better then before.
better then the two minutes before of pure awfulness to then turn everything into pure sweetness.
no one else can do that.
especially when your mood is bound to give others headaches--a newness of greatness comes into the picture, you are feeling much better, then, it drops again.
can we say, girl??
yes, i am.
thankfully.
sometimes.
but i give praises to my forgiving Father who i put my trust in every single day.
i am so thankful for Him and that He is able to transform my moods in to beautiful ones.
after a much needed prayer and injection of peace and a perspective that He wants me to explore, dissect, research and appreciate--all of negativity that once was, is no more.
no one else can do that.
---
i have been with my two boys this weekend in greensboro.
me, girl, age twenty-three, a boy, palmer, age four & a boy, tanner, age six, a golden-somewhat magical retriever, tonic, two lizards and two turtles and the loudest alarm system known to man for three straight days.
i am out of my realm.
my comfort and safe haven.
the laughter that i release because of the boys that i surround myself with every day because of their hilarious nature.
the routine that we all fall into that automatically makes living "comfortable."
transferred to saturday early morning basketball practice, a birthday party at three, and a catholic service on sunday morning followed by sunday school for only one boy.
i was so excited for this service that spoke everything about not even touching my comfort level--experiencing a hidden something that God wants me to hear, see or feel.
i asked Him to open my heart and my mind to receive anything and everything He has set for me [in His plan.]
it didn't go exactly that way.
as we piled out of the house with everything we needed, and then some, i realized i hadn't turned off the alarm system.
as palmer opened the door my mind triggered.
it had reminded itself in this dark corridor of my brain that i hadn't yet turned the light on for yet that all was not going to go according to plan.
all in that same moment of the door opening, to faces of reaction, to everything in my head seriously accepting no sound at all, but a reminder of not turning off the alarm i had not heard the alarm as it went off in an instant.
then a few seconds later of reminding oneself and then being able to accept the chaos around me, i heard the alarm screaming and i dashed.
this was the first time this had happened to me.
and on the way to church.
a church i had never been to.
yay me!
i ran to the alarm system and quickly punched in the code.
my ears rang no more.
no more throbbing to accommodate my headache.
all was silent.
a little too silent.
i picked up my things that i dropped abruptly to walk back out to the door when the phone rang.
alert-alarm-system.
i gave them the code as they asked--and apparently there was another number i was missing.
i had no clue.
i kept repeating the code.
told them who i was.
they jotted my name down and we hung up as i spewed grateful tones.
on to church we went.
in the rain.
tires splashing, green trees blurring.
we arrived to the church and to the phone ringing off the hook.
i hadn't realized.
their mother calling us to make sure all was ok because of the alarm.
we had to smooth out all of the wrinkles i had caused as time ticked on by.
including the service.
we were late to this unknown church in my eyes.
the place was packed.
with no where to sit.
finally after countless times of sitting and standing and reciting their familiarity and tradition we blinked in and found a spot as they stood.
i adore tradition.
i love that they know what to do.
i love their comfort level.
i love that it was probably the way they were raised.
i love their songs---sung in major keys.
but there was a lot that i didn't like also.
i continuously prayed for God to relieve me of my stress that i was experiencing.
i prayed for Him to open my heart.
soften it.
i wanted to relax.
in time it got easier but i didn't learn much.
which is what i desire.
what i yearn for.
God's Word, reminders, faithfulness, and love.
we left in the rain as palmer slept in the back seat.
i went home--fed tonic and grabbed my ipod.
i clicked on good ol' Charles Stanley.
all about God's love.
& how we are supposed to love as He does for us.
selfless love--agape love--His very own sacrificial love.
i was filled with all things warm.
He touched my heart in a way that i so desperately needed.
in that moment.
this morning.
i am so incredibly thankful.
there is no greater love then His.
thank.You.God.
and makes everything even better.
better then before.
better then the two minutes before of pure awfulness to then turn everything into pure sweetness.
no one else can do that.
especially when your mood is bound to give others headaches--a newness of greatness comes into the picture, you are feeling much better, then, it drops again.
can we say, girl??
yes, i am.
thankfully.
sometimes.
but i give praises to my forgiving Father who i put my trust in every single day.
i am so thankful for Him and that He is able to transform my moods in to beautiful ones.
after a much needed prayer and injection of peace and a perspective that He wants me to explore, dissect, research and appreciate--all of negativity that once was, is no more.
no one else can do that.
---
i have been with my two boys this weekend in greensboro.
me, girl, age twenty-three, a boy, palmer, age four & a boy, tanner, age six, a golden-somewhat magical retriever, tonic, two lizards and two turtles and the loudest alarm system known to man for three straight days.
i am out of my realm.
my comfort and safe haven.
the laughter that i release because of the boys that i surround myself with every day because of their hilarious nature.
the routine that we all fall into that automatically makes living "comfortable."
transferred to saturday early morning basketball practice, a birthday party at three, and a catholic service on sunday morning followed by sunday school for only one boy.
i was so excited for this service that spoke everything about not even touching my comfort level--experiencing a hidden something that God wants me to hear, see or feel.
i asked Him to open my heart and my mind to receive anything and everything He has set for me [in His plan.]
it didn't go exactly that way.
as we piled out of the house with everything we needed, and then some, i realized i hadn't turned off the alarm system.
as palmer opened the door my mind triggered.
it had reminded itself in this dark corridor of my brain that i hadn't yet turned the light on for yet that all was not going to go according to plan.
all in that same moment of the door opening, to faces of reaction, to everything in my head seriously accepting no sound at all, but a reminder of not turning off the alarm i had not heard the alarm as it went off in an instant.
then a few seconds later of reminding oneself and then being able to accept the chaos around me, i heard the alarm screaming and i dashed.
this was the first time this had happened to me.
and on the way to church.
a church i had never been to.
yay me!
i ran to the alarm system and quickly punched in the code.
my ears rang no more.
no more throbbing to accommodate my headache.
all was silent.
a little too silent.
i picked up my things that i dropped abruptly to walk back out to the door when the phone rang.
alert-alarm-system.
i gave them the code as they asked--and apparently there was another number i was missing.
i had no clue.
i kept repeating the code.
told them who i was.
they jotted my name down and we hung up as i spewed grateful tones.
on to church we went.
in the rain.
tires splashing, green trees blurring.
we arrived to the church and to the phone ringing off the hook.
i hadn't realized.
their mother calling us to make sure all was ok because of the alarm.
we had to smooth out all of the wrinkles i had caused as time ticked on by.
including the service.
we were late to this unknown church in my eyes.
the place was packed.
with no where to sit.
finally after countless times of sitting and standing and reciting their familiarity and tradition we blinked in and found a spot as they stood.
i adore tradition.
i love that they know what to do.
i love their comfort level.
i love that it was probably the way they were raised.
i love their songs---sung in major keys.
but there was a lot that i didn't like also.
i continuously prayed for God to relieve me of my stress that i was experiencing.
i prayed for Him to open my heart.
soften it.
i wanted to relax.
in time it got easier but i didn't learn much.
which is what i desire.
what i yearn for.
God's Word, reminders, faithfulness, and love.
we left in the rain as palmer slept in the back seat.
i went home--fed tonic and grabbed my ipod.
i clicked on good ol' Charles Stanley.
all about God's love.
& how we are supposed to love as He does for us.
selfless love--agape love--His very own sacrificial love.
i was filled with all things warm.
He touched my heart in a way that i so desperately needed.
in that moment.
this morning.
i am so incredibly thankful.
there is no greater love then His.
thank.You.God.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
freshness of hues.
[ fresh coat of dreams. purple haze coats all thoughts.
reflection warming those who see.
an escape fulfilled at last.]
october fifteenth, 11'
Saturday, April 23, 2011
grace that is greater
than all our sin
march 29, 11'
sunday morning my early service at grace baptist was ultimately renewing.
i segued in a bit late and missed the hymns with the congregation, which i don't like to miss, but even through all of that--it was still a gorgeous experience.
the choir sang a beautiful peace that gave you shivers of delight the entire whimsical time.
the alto section was strong and in my opinion that is what makes a choir.
all four glorious parts are so important.
but the alto's---have such a hard part.
and they are beautiful.
when you hear every dazzling part; you become electrified--in every aspect of the word.
during greeting time i was overwhelmed with blissful blessings as i was sweetly acquainted again with the people that i go to church with that always instantly make you happier, with hugs and grand gestures.
and in this act of beauty and blessing, i am grateful and thankful to God for putting me in this spot, area and church.
at this time.
i found my favorite couple that i always sit with every morning after they come down from singing in the choir and then we all sat on that familiarized pew together.
like a happy family.
she always pats my dress as she sits and admires it in a classy expression.
she writes me short and sweet little words on her bulletin to pass to me throughout the service, but intent to pastor brad we both still are.
intent, focused, engrossed and drowning in the splendor that he preaches.
the truth that he preaches.
the passion that he bellows.
the love in which he spreads.
the love in which he has.
the love in which he feels.
the love in which he reflects.
[all so magical to me as i listen---soak in--God is there---and i feel him.]
everything about this service was beautiful.
he started out about our salvation.
then about things that are not very important, that we as humans make important.
then about the separation between heaven and hell---and when hell is in your future and a part of the pathway in which you walk; they are going to want a part of Jesus Christ--even when.
and even then.
to wrap yourself into things of this world is a part of neglect.
and how men will not admit today if they are lost.
it's a sense of pride.
pride is huge.
pride is sin.
the devil is blinding men, and in result they have sins that they do not want to get rid of.
but what they don't understand is that they will not have that particular sin--that they can't seem to get rid of-or want to leave--in death.
in heaven or in hell.
we should make preparation for what is to come!
this sermon seems so simple.
the simplicity that i complained about when i first moved here.
i wanted more "meat."
i wanted more---and i wanted to learn more.
i didn't want to listen to the things that i already knew.
my focus was lost.
i prayed.
i asked God to show me things in a new light through sermons that i may have already heard.
i asked God to open my perspective, my eyes and my ears to His words and thoughts.
and man! did He open them.
it's not about what i want to hear.
or what i want to learn.
every sermon is a precious gift.
every verse or message that God lays on my pastor(s) hearts is precious.
no matter what it is.
and being opened to His truth, and His messages through my pastor(s) sermons, has given me the ability to learn.
to see.
differently.
to gain within a new golden perspective.
i am so blessed.
even if i had already heard that simple message in relation to others, before.
or along that similar line.
God shows me something.
i am wearing my humility within golden vines upon being rained on; while walking in mud.
i am rejuvenated.
i am in Georgia--and i am closer to Him.
the way that i want to be and the way that i want things to go.
He has somewhat reclaimed me.
there is a reason for everything and i am seriously sure that He has brought me here to draw closer to Him.
my faith is soaring in the clouds of renewal.
my love for Him is a never ending pour of delightful colors in a beautiful dim light.
my soul is refreshed in the glow of His righteousness.
and meanwhile in all of His perfection and praise--i am glued to the severity of my pastor's passion for souls to be saved.
i have that passion.
i share that passion.
and i want to shout this emotion and truth with him--to everyone lost and broken.
i want to share with the lost that they are not alone.
and the gospel that they need to hear.
in the midst of all of my thinking, my sweet friend writes on her bulletin that the man sitting in front of us in the pew was not saved.
sitting directly in front of me.
and then to pray for him---as i was also going to simultaneously write.
great minds think alike.
during the invitation, we stood up as pastor Brad was pouring his plea to the lost to come to Jesus.
cracked voice so lovingly--
and the piano was playing, "savior, savior....hear my humble cry."
and for the fourth sunday in a row we, as a congregation, sang this beautiful chorus together, heads bowed and eyes closed and i was filled with a spiked love as my hand was being covered in ms. melanie's loving hand.
wrapped together.
this feeling i can not even describe.
then those who are saved and who wanted to, walked to the altar to pray.
then----out of unfamiliarity our pastor was asking us to sit as this is the part where we are supposed to exit ourselves out of the sanctuary as the service sweetly closes.
and there was a humble, elderly-wanting to reach our hearts in discernment-man standing in front of us.
a surprise to us at the moment in which it happened, but needed (to this man)--a testimony for us to listen to as i prayed for it to reach the lost more gratifyingly so.
and the man in front of me.
he was simple.
strong and sweet.
he said that being saved is important.
what we all needed.
and that the pastor just got done telling us!
it's what we need to do---commands the Lord.
he was right on and said that a second altar call was in order.
so we all did it again.
i saw the man in front of me---
i saw his wife crying.
i saw her take her hand in his.
i saw a man try to sway the lost man to come to Jesus.
i saw him standing firm.
i saw the back of his partially bald head.
i observed his plaid shirt.
i did not see any flinch.
i did not see or feel an energy that had reached him.
but i felt a certain type of energy.
he did not budge.
and then i began to cry.
i don't even know who he is.
i don't know his name, nor have i seen his face.
and his lost soul drenched me with sorrow.
i pray that Jesus will reach His hand out to Him and touch him in a way that he so desperately needs.
why can't people understand that we can not get through life without Jesus??
we can not live life profoundly, or ultimately with a purpose so amazing, without Him.
why do people continue to do so?
why do men pick their sin over Christ?
because the devil is just that good.
the devil is just that powerful.
he has a way of allowing the lost and defeated to think that his ways are golden, and the only way.
the only wonderful thing about this, is that Jesus has the power to cover his deceitfulness.
not just to cover, but to get rid of.
his false love for the lost and their sins they drown in.
Satan does not care about us.
i pray for that man to turn to God and leave his pride, sins and darkness at the cross.
i pray.
lovingly.
because God is the only way.
and as the tears ran down my cheeks that darkly lit sunday morning, my longing grew intensely.
my love grew more, if that's even possible.
my desire peaked a new round from dusk to dawn.
because God is the only way.
He is our ultimate and only healer.
our only light from the darkness.
savior, savior,
hear my humble cry;
while on others thou art calling,
do not pass me by.
amen.
than all our sin
march 29, 11'
sunday morning my early service at grace baptist was ultimately renewing.
i segued in a bit late and missed the hymns with the congregation, which i don't like to miss, but even through all of that--it was still a gorgeous experience.
the choir sang a beautiful peace that gave you shivers of delight the entire whimsical time.
the alto section was strong and in my opinion that is what makes a choir.
all four glorious parts are so important.
but the alto's---have such a hard part.
and they are beautiful.
when you hear every dazzling part; you become electrified--in every aspect of the word.
during greeting time i was overwhelmed with blissful blessings as i was sweetly acquainted again with the people that i go to church with that always instantly make you happier, with hugs and grand gestures.
and in this act of beauty and blessing, i am grateful and thankful to God for putting me in this spot, area and church.
at this time.
i found my favorite couple that i always sit with every morning after they come down from singing in the choir and then we all sat on that familiarized pew together.
like a happy family.
she always pats my dress as she sits and admires it in a classy expression.
she writes me short and sweet little words on her bulletin to pass to me throughout the service, but intent to pastor brad we both still are.
intent, focused, engrossed and drowning in the splendor that he preaches.
the truth that he preaches.
the passion that he bellows.
the love in which he spreads.
the love in which he has.
the love in which he feels.
the love in which he reflects.
[all so magical to me as i listen---soak in--God is there---and i feel him.]
everything about this service was beautiful.
he started out about our salvation.
then about things that are not very important, that we as humans make important.
then about the separation between heaven and hell---and when hell is in your future and a part of the pathway in which you walk; they are going to want a part of Jesus Christ--even when.
and even then.
to wrap yourself into things of this world is a part of neglect.
and how men will not admit today if they are lost.
it's a sense of pride.
pride is huge.
pride is sin.
the devil is blinding men, and in result they have sins that they do not want to get rid of.
but what they don't understand is that they will not have that particular sin--that they can't seem to get rid of-or want to leave--in death.
in heaven or in hell.
we should make preparation for what is to come!
this sermon seems so simple.
the simplicity that i complained about when i first moved here.
i wanted more "meat."
i wanted more---and i wanted to learn more.
i didn't want to listen to the things that i already knew.
my focus was lost.
i prayed.
i asked God to show me things in a new light through sermons that i may have already heard.
i asked God to open my perspective, my eyes and my ears to His words and thoughts.
and man! did He open them.
it's not about what i want to hear.
or what i want to learn.
every sermon is a precious gift.
every verse or message that God lays on my pastor(s) hearts is precious.
no matter what it is.
and being opened to His truth, and His messages through my pastor(s) sermons, has given me the ability to learn.
to see.
differently.
to gain within a new golden perspective.
i am so blessed.
even if i had already heard that simple message in relation to others, before.
or along that similar line.
God shows me something.
i am wearing my humility within golden vines upon being rained on; while walking in mud.
i am rejuvenated.
i am in Georgia--and i am closer to Him.
the way that i want to be and the way that i want things to go.
He has somewhat reclaimed me.
there is a reason for everything and i am seriously sure that He has brought me here to draw closer to Him.
my faith is soaring in the clouds of renewal.
my love for Him is a never ending pour of delightful colors in a beautiful dim light.
my soul is refreshed in the glow of His righteousness.
and meanwhile in all of His perfection and praise--i am glued to the severity of my pastor's passion for souls to be saved.
i have that passion.
i share that passion.
and i want to shout this emotion and truth with him--to everyone lost and broken.
i want to share with the lost that they are not alone.
and the gospel that they need to hear.
in the midst of all of my thinking, my sweet friend writes on her bulletin that the man sitting in front of us in the pew was not saved.
sitting directly in front of me.
and then to pray for him---as i was also going to simultaneously write.
great minds think alike.
during the invitation, we stood up as pastor Brad was pouring his plea to the lost to come to Jesus.
cracked voice so lovingly--
and the piano was playing, "savior, savior....hear my humble cry."
and for the fourth sunday in a row we, as a congregation, sang this beautiful chorus together, heads bowed and eyes closed and i was filled with a spiked love as my hand was being covered in ms. melanie's loving hand.
wrapped together.
this feeling i can not even describe.
then those who are saved and who wanted to, walked to the altar to pray.
then----out of unfamiliarity our pastor was asking us to sit as this is the part where we are supposed to exit ourselves out of the sanctuary as the service sweetly closes.
and there was a humble, elderly-wanting to reach our hearts in discernment-man standing in front of us.
a surprise to us at the moment in which it happened, but needed (to this man)--a testimony for us to listen to as i prayed for it to reach the lost more gratifyingly so.
and the man in front of me.
he was simple.
strong and sweet.
he said that being saved is important.
what we all needed.
and that the pastor just got done telling us!
it's what we need to do---commands the Lord.
he was right on and said that a second altar call was in order.
so we all did it again.
i saw the man in front of me---
i saw his wife crying.
i saw her take her hand in his.
i saw a man try to sway the lost man to come to Jesus.
i saw him standing firm.
i saw the back of his partially bald head.
i observed his plaid shirt.
i did not see any flinch.
i did not see or feel an energy that had reached him.
but i felt a certain type of energy.
he did not budge.
and then i began to cry.
i don't even know who he is.
i don't know his name, nor have i seen his face.
and his lost soul drenched me with sorrow.
i pray that Jesus will reach His hand out to Him and touch him in a way that he so desperately needs.
why can't people understand that we can not get through life without Jesus??
we can not live life profoundly, or ultimately with a purpose so amazing, without Him.
why do people continue to do so?
why do men pick their sin over Christ?
because the devil is just that good.
the devil is just that powerful.
he has a way of allowing the lost and defeated to think that his ways are golden, and the only way.
the only wonderful thing about this, is that Jesus has the power to cover his deceitfulness.
not just to cover, but to get rid of.
his false love for the lost and their sins they drown in.
Satan does not care about us.
i pray for that man to turn to God and leave his pride, sins and darkness at the cross.
i pray.
lovingly.
because God is the only way.
and as the tears ran down my cheeks that darkly lit sunday morning, my longing grew intensely.
my love grew more, if that's even possible.
my desire peaked a new round from dusk to dawn.
because God is the only way.
He is our ultimate and only healer.
our only light from the darkness.
savior, savior,
hear my humble cry;
while on others thou art calling,
do not pass me by.
amen.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
jeopardizing
and ruining our world
with music.
"and when the angels come,
they’ll cut you down the middle.
to see if you’re still there.
to see if you’re still there.
and underneath your ribs,
they’ll find a heart shaped locket.
an old photograph.
of you in Daddy’s arms.
and then they’ll sew you closed,
and give you back to the water,
from where we’re all born,
from where we’re all born.
and then you’ll feed the ghosts,
and then you’ll feed the living,
you’ll be a stranger,
and you’ll be a friend.
you’ll be the leper
you’ll be the healer
you’ll be the hero
and the tragedy
and when they burn your body
all that’s left is sand crystals,
two tiny handfuls,
all the rest is water, water, water.
all you need to know is you were born of water
you were made of water
you will live in water, water, water"
i was instantly hooked on this song when i discovered it years ago not knowing how blatantly inaccurate the words are, but loving the music for years.
i was drawn to the beginning intro of a direct hit of sweet impact to the symphony for the first two minutes of the song.
it's mind boggling and erupts within your senses, stirring up that excitement like finding that oh-so special book at the book sale for a sheer twenty five cents.
i would then always change the song after the symphony was complete and the words would segue in, as the voice was not as captivating or alluring as the music is for the first couple of minutes.
but then for some strange reason, last year i decided to listen to the complete song. i listened to the words and fell in love and was also oddly confused and saddened at the same time. the words are completely poetic and beautifully made up, but totally wrong. who's theory is this? I wonder. did they write this because they think this is true? do they think that this actually happens?
oh how sad this is to think so.
i remember listening intently and wondering to myself in utter disbelief and amazement that there are actual people out there, in this world in which we live, that seriously feel this way.
they seriously think that we came from water and will always be made of water.
and that angels actually do such things.
cut us down the middle to see if we are still alive?
and then somehow they find a heart shaped locket underneath our ribs of something so (beautiful?) to us at some point.
hence, "you in daddy's arms."
and then they sew us back up, to give us back to the water.
where we were born.
and then burn our bodies.
and then we are of sand crystals.
but all the rest is water.
whoa!
such beautiful words.
but how completely off and lost are these people...
and then to imagine angels sewing us up and throwing us to the water.
angels do not heal.
God only heals.
and He does not sew us up to then throw us in the water.
i am spewing woeful tones and in complete heavy heartedness in such a cold and tangible reality.
in which we live.
i pray and hope that "cloud cult," this group name, does not believe what they sing.
however, by the name of the group--i could easily say that they do.
i also pray that that the listeners (young?) that listen to this song in a vulnerable mistake-driven being, does not become swayed by these words and start to believe it themselves.
as they say in the end,
"all you need to know. is you were born of water."
oh my. this is not all that we need to know, or anything that we need to know.
music has such a strong impact to millions of listeners alone.
for someone so passionate about music, to realize that such is going on, makes me uneasy.
we get so lost and wrapped up in what can be so amusingly gorgeous that we lose side of all that is important and we become fixated on things that are not.
somewhat like john lennon's "imagine."
such a lovely song but the words are frightening.
"imagine there's no heaven,
it's easy if you'll try.
no hell below us.
above us is only sky.
imagine all the people.
living for today."
these words are morbid.
dreadful.
sheer terror.
a jolting panic.
unpleasantly alarming.
horribly shocking.
icily unpleasant.
hesitatingly disagreeable.
can you seriously "imagine" if that actually were true?
it is easy if you try, but again, it is completely inaccurate.
i thank God that this is not so.
God wouldn't let this happen.
that's the beauty in His plan.
that's the beauty that this is not and has never been in His plan.
if this was so, there would be no God.
i do not want others to "imagine" this, nor do i want them to believe this.
cloud cult and john lennon---what are yall doing?
they are trying to tear and cut and worsen an even deeper open wound that will never heal so blazoned called "this world."
until He comes back, that is.
and then this, i can imagine.
and ruining our world
with music.
"and when the angels come,
they’ll cut you down the middle.
to see if you’re still there.
to see if you’re still there.
and underneath your ribs,
they’ll find a heart shaped locket.
an old photograph.
of you in Daddy’s arms.
and then they’ll sew you closed,
and give you back to the water,
from where we’re all born,
from where we’re all born.
and then you’ll feed the ghosts,
and then you’ll feed the living,
you’ll be a stranger,
and you’ll be a friend.
you’ll be the leper
you’ll be the healer
you’ll be the hero
and the tragedy
and when they burn your body
all that’s left is sand crystals,
two tiny handfuls,
all the rest is water, water, water.
all you need to know is you were born of water
you were made of water
you will live in water, water, water"
i was instantly hooked on this song when i discovered it years ago not knowing how blatantly inaccurate the words are, but loving the music for years.
i was drawn to the beginning intro of a direct hit of sweet impact to the symphony for the first two minutes of the song.
it's mind boggling and erupts within your senses, stirring up that excitement like finding that oh-so special book at the book sale for a sheer twenty five cents.
i would then always change the song after the symphony was complete and the words would segue in, as the voice was not as captivating or alluring as the music is for the first couple of minutes.
but then for some strange reason, last year i decided to listen to the complete song. i listened to the words and fell in love and was also oddly confused and saddened at the same time. the words are completely poetic and beautifully made up, but totally wrong. who's theory is this? I wonder. did they write this because they think this is true? do they think that this actually happens?
oh how sad this is to think so.
i remember listening intently and wondering to myself in utter disbelief and amazement that there are actual people out there, in this world in which we live, that seriously feel this way.
they seriously think that we came from water and will always be made of water.
and that angels actually do such things.
cut us down the middle to see if we are still alive?
and then somehow they find a heart shaped locket underneath our ribs of something so (beautiful?) to us at some point.
hence, "you in daddy's arms."
and then they sew us back up, to give us back to the water.
where we were born.
and then burn our bodies.
and then we are of sand crystals.
but all the rest is water.
whoa!
such beautiful words.
but how completely off and lost are these people...
and then to imagine angels sewing us up and throwing us to the water.
angels do not heal.
God only heals.
and He does not sew us up to then throw us in the water.
i am spewing woeful tones and in complete heavy heartedness in such a cold and tangible reality.
in which we live.
i pray and hope that "cloud cult," this group name, does not believe what they sing.
however, by the name of the group--i could easily say that they do.
i also pray that that the listeners (young?) that listen to this song in a vulnerable mistake-driven being, does not become swayed by these words and start to believe it themselves.
as they say in the end,
"all you need to know. is you were born of water."
oh my. this is not all that we need to know, or anything that we need to know.
music has such a strong impact to millions of listeners alone.
for someone so passionate about music, to realize that such is going on, makes me uneasy.
we get so lost and wrapped up in what can be so amusingly gorgeous that we lose side of all that is important and we become fixated on things that are not.
somewhat like john lennon's "imagine."
such a lovely song but the words are frightening.
"imagine there's no heaven,
it's easy if you'll try.
no hell below us.
above us is only sky.
imagine all the people.
living for today."
these words are morbid.
dreadful.
sheer terror.
a jolting panic.
unpleasantly alarming.
horribly shocking.
icily unpleasant.
hesitatingly disagreeable.
can you seriously "imagine" if that actually were true?
it is easy if you try, but again, it is completely inaccurate.
i thank God that this is not so.
God wouldn't let this happen.
that's the beauty in His plan.
that's the beauty that this is not and has never been in His plan.
if this was so, there would be no God.
i do not want others to "imagine" this, nor do i want them to believe this.
cloud cult and john lennon---what are yall doing?
they are trying to tear and cut and worsen an even deeper open wound that will never heal so blazoned called "this world."
until He comes back, that is.
and then this, i can imagine.
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Define home.
You know what—what is home?
For a person of displacement we can only ponder so much of what “home” really is.
What it means to us.
What actually defines “home?”
The place you live?
The place you came from?
Your home state or place of birth?
The place you grew up?
The place you feel most comfortable?
The place that holds your bed or where you sleep at night?
The place you feel your roots and heritage come from?
The place where your family live?
If that is the case from all of these questions I will answer them in the way these are given.
The place I live —- would be GA.
My home state/place of birth? - Raleigh, NC
The place I grew up? Virginia and Maryland.
The place I feel most comfortable? - Madison GA & Maryland. Different feelings of comfort.
The place that holds my bed and where I sleep at night - GA and MD
The place I feel my roots come from?? The south.
The place where your famliy live? MD & GA & NC.
I have unraveled this place.
I have discovered the whimsical charm it has to offer.
The trees blow in my direction,
the sun shines upon me.
The roads know me by name.
The animals and I….well, we share a bond.
So I guess you could call me a wanderer.
A person so spread out in connectivity it would make any traveler jealous.
A person who is trying to find “it.”
I found my place of comfort and happiness and that is Georgia.
I feel at home here and I feel like this is my home.
So if all of these questions held the true meaning of where home is to you… all of these answers above are spread between three states.
It’s not where I grew up, or where I lived for the majority of my life.
It’s where you are currently living or where you feel your heart and soul lies of comfort and true warmth. The warmth that comes from the inside and reflects on the outside.
It’s where you are happy and proud of being in said place.
Home is where your heart is.
So when I go “home” it is here, there and everywhere.
But in a deep reality, Georgia is my home. I feel this place to be my home.
This beautiful, magical, wonderful and beautiful place.
This place I call home.
I feel blessed to be able to lengthen my arms and touch the beauty in all states I travel to and from. I am excited to see where the Lord is going to lead me in the year 2011.
For a person of displacement we can only ponder so much of what “home” really is.
What it means to us.
What actually defines “home?”
The place you live?
The place you came from?
Your home state or place of birth?
The place you grew up?
The place you feel most comfortable?
The place that holds your bed or where you sleep at night?
The place you feel your roots and heritage come from?
The place where your family live?
If that is the case from all of these questions I will answer them in the way these are given.
The place I live —- would be GA.
My home state/place of birth? - Raleigh, NC
The place I grew up? Virginia and Maryland.
The place I feel most comfortable? - Madison GA & Maryland. Different feelings of comfort.
The place that holds my bed and where I sleep at night - GA and MD
The place I feel my roots come from?? The south.
The place where your famliy live? MD & GA & NC.
I have unraveled this place.
I have discovered the whimsical charm it has to offer.
The trees blow in my direction,
the sun shines upon me.
The roads know me by name.
The animals and I….well, we share a bond.
So I guess you could call me a wanderer.
A person so spread out in connectivity it would make any traveler jealous.
A person who is trying to find “it.”
I found my place of comfort and happiness and that is Georgia.
I feel at home here and I feel like this is my home.
So if all of these questions held the true meaning of where home is to you… all of these answers above are spread between three states.
It’s not where I grew up, or where I lived for the majority of my life.
It’s where you are currently living or where you feel your heart and soul lies of comfort and true warmth. The warmth that comes from the inside and reflects on the outside.
It’s where you are happy and proud of being in said place.
Home is where your heart is.
So when I go “home” it is here, there and everywhere.
But in a deep reality, Georgia is my home. I feel this place to be my home.
This beautiful, magical, wonderful and beautiful place.
This place I call home.
I feel blessed to be able to lengthen my arms and touch the beauty in all states I travel to and from. I am excited to see where the Lord is going to lead me in the year 2011.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Saturday, May 01, 2010
A farewell ode to my apartment.
My apartment is old.
An endearing type of old.
A beautiful old.
A type of old that adds on to my soul as being old fashioned and appreciate life's little simplicities that signifies much importance to me.
I love my apartment.
An endearing type of old.
A beautiful old.
A type of old that adds on to my soul as being old fashioned and appreciate life's little simplicities that signifies much importance to me.
I love my apartment.
This I will hold dear to my heart.
For instance,
The glass door knob's that you just never see now-a-day's.
The off white door with the glass door knob that opens up to a large long convenient walk-in closet.
That's what I love about old houses.
For instance,
The glass door knob's that you just never see now-a-day's.
The off white door with the glass door knob that opens up to a large long convenient walk-in closet.
That's what I love about old houses.
Everything is so big and spacious and every nook and crane is special and detailed.
It's just breath taking.
The beautiful "french type" doors that lead out onto my back porch to oversee the trees that divide the houses and apartments in the back.
It also oversees a side glimpse of water street into Long Wharf.
So that on summer days you can hear the legendary long wharf concerts go on Sunday nights in August that bring back so many memories.
And even if you don't want to listen you are forced to unless you leave because the music seeps in through the side house walls into my apartment.
Beautiful and tough to get through at the same time.
I love how my living room opens into my kitchen and it is one big room only divided by half wall shelves.
The beautiful "french type" doors that lead out onto my back porch to oversee the trees that divide the houses and apartments in the back.
It also oversees a side glimpse of water street into Long Wharf.
So that on summer days you can hear the legendary long wharf concerts go on Sunday nights in August that bring back so many memories.
And even if you don't want to listen you are forced to unless you leave because the music seeps in through the side house walls into my apartment.
Beautiful and tough to get through at the same time.
I love how my living room opens into my kitchen and it is one big room only divided by half wall shelves.
Side wall for the living room and the other side are shelves for the kitchen.
I love my little stove. It speaks for the kitchen.
I love my bathroom. It's huge. The old fashioned tub with a convenient shower head draping over top.
The colossal sink that hold just about 50 of your beauty essential needs all atop the porcelain loveliness.
I love my little stove. It speaks for the kitchen.
I love my bathroom. It's huge. The old fashioned tub with a convenient shower head draping over top.
The colossal sink that hold just about 50 of your beauty essential needs all atop the porcelain loveliness.
I love my hard wood floors. Now this took me a bit to love.
It's so much harder to maintain with hard floors.
Let alone hard old wood floors.
I have even grown to love the colonial type white and blue wallpaper in my bedroom.
I have even grown to love the colonial type white and blue wallpaper in my bedroom.
Only on one wall it is plastered.
It evens out my so-called plain room with all white surrounding you. I hated it when I moved in, but it's so endearing and enchanting.. what can you do?
May a nights have I layed in bed studying the wall paper.
It's beautiful.
I love my two steps extending from my kitchen to my mini hallway.
Even though I have fallen a couple times and thought I twisted my ankle
It's beautiful.
I love my two steps extending from my kitchen to my mini hallway.
Even though I have fallen a couple times and thought I twisted my ankle
to finally make my first trip to the hospital.
, You just wouldn't see that happen, stairs, and I thank you for the graceful and not so graceful falls you provided.
I love my three stairs that accentuates my even more shelves in my mini hall.
Upon these lovely shelves sit many picture frames and cheap unique storage like Marshall boxes and my vinyl LP albums.
Color meets white.
I love my windows in my living room. So high up thanks to the high ceilings. I can therefore hang my long curtains and there is no need to take them in on the bottom.
They fit perfectly.
Even though only 3 windows can open without a fight.
One in the bedroom,
one in the kitchen-living room and
one in the bathroom.
I love my food pantry door with much space even a family of 4 would be jealous of.
On the top side of the inside door is an old pencil sharpener.
It is bolted in the door.
That's just too lovely even for words.
Very much music has flowed in this space of mine for two years. Through my
iPod,
CD player,
Record player
and DVD player.
My apartment was just not meant to be entertained the two years I lived in it.
Maybe in the future it will get it's spotlight.
No, only close very few people got to experience the gorgeousness in which I lived.
It could really only fit 5 people at the most.
Luckily it has been able to fit three cats in here.
A miracle I will say.
Everything about this apartment, I love.
I am thankful for this to be my first living in arrangement.
A little detail here, a little detail there.
My Magnum Opus.
So thank you apartment, for being so good to me when life didn't want to.
Thank you for being my security, and my place to go to at the end of a long day or to even stay in on a long day.
I couldn't have asked for a better, most beautiful first apartment.
I hope the next one is just as rewarding as you.
This excites me to think what the Lord has in store for me down the road after my experience in Georgia.
On to bigger and better things.
My apartment on 103 High Street Apt.3 Cambridge, Maryland 21613 is no way shape or form boring.
It speaks for itself and it holds so much potential.
As hard as it is, I release you.
Thank you so much!
Love, Katie Lin Blackmon
I love my three stairs that accentuates my even more shelves in my mini hall.
Upon these lovely shelves sit many picture frames and cheap unique storage like Marshall boxes and my vinyl LP albums.
Color meets white.
I love my windows in my living room. So high up thanks to the high ceilings. I can therefore hang my long curtains and there is no need to take them in on the bottom.
They fit perfectly.
Even though only 3 windows can open without a fight.
One in the bedroom,
one in the kitchen-living room and
one in the bathroom.
I love my food pantry door with much space even a family of 4 would be jealous of.
On the top side of the inside door is an old pencil sharpener.
It is bolted in the door.
That's just too lovely even for words.
Very much music has flowed in this space of mine for two years. Through my
iPod,
CD player,
Record player
and DVD player.
My apartment was just not meant to be entertained the two years I lived in it.
Maybe in the future it will get it's spotlight.
No, only close very few people got to experience the gorgeousness in which I lived.
It could really only fit 5 people at the most.
Luckily it has been able to fit three cats in here.
A miracle I will say.
Everything about this apartment, I love.
I am thankful for this to be my first living in arrangement.
A little detail here, a little detail there.
My Magnum Opus.
So thank you apartment, for being so good to me when life didn't want to.
Thank you for being my security, and my place to go to at the end of a long day or to even stay in on a long day.
I couldn't have asked for a better, most beautiful first apartment.
I hope the next one is just as rewarding as you.
This excites me to think what the Lord has in store for me down the road after my experience in Georgia.
On to bigger and better things.
My apartment on 103 High Street Apt.3 Cambridge, Maryland 21613 is no way shape or form boring.
It speaks for itself and it holds so much potential.
As hard as it is, I release you.
Thank you so much!
Love, Katie Lin Blackmon
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Right, Left; Up or Down..
I have been overly thinking my future these past few days. Forcibly the reason being as I do not work at the Law Office any longer. I am praying, harder and harder each day to hear God's direction for my life. Impatient I might add, but I clean my ears out every day in hopes to hear and realize what he has in store for me. I went to Chesapeake Woods on Monday and filled out the extremely long application; had my interview; and then left. I got a call on Tuesday for a second interview for today, Thursday at 1:00. I went over sample questions and typed all of my answers in Word. I thought long and hard of what could be asked of me in hopes that if this job isn't for me, at least I have tried.
Thinking of your future is an exasperating emotionally spent process. I wish it wasn't but because of the person I am this process is exhausting. I battle the do's and don'ts; the pro's and con's; the what if's and what not's. If this Chesapeake Woods Receptionist job does not fall in my favor, there is a reason for that. God has a plan for me and it's very hard to see that sometimes, but I know this to be true.
What would I do next? be a nanny. I have always wanted to go someplace else besides Maryland and nanny a wonderful family and share that wonderful and new experience that I have longed for for quite some time now. I found a uniquely fitted family in Texas. 3 girls. The oldest is 3 and a half; her name is Faith. And the two twins are 2 and a half; Hope and Hannah. They are a christian family with a live-in situation that would be wonderful for me. I honestly just don't know what my life's next step will be and I feel like I need to act fast if I want to save my apartment. My apartment is near and dear to me. It is my living space that sprouts my personality in every nook and crane; it is also my Independence. My apartment is me; and I share this with my three cats and it all feels like a wonderful and balanced home. I have been blessed to have such a gorgeous apartment for two years this coming July. And I have to keep reminding myself that if I am not able to keep this apartment, there is a reason. Something new and wonderful will come along for me, and it will not be the end of the world. It seems like that to me as I type this but I just have to tell myself, it's not.
God has a plan for me.
I wish I knew what it was, but that is the joy and frustration of being a human that got her life saved from the magnificent God above.
I ask you to please pray for me. Pray for God's direction for me and that I may listen with both ears and take his commands lovingly as he knows what is best for me. I thank you.
Thinking of your future is an exasperating emotionally spent process. I wish it wasn't but because of the person I am this process is exhausting. I battle the do's and don'ts; the pro's and con's; the what if's and what not's. If this Chesapeake Woods Receptionist job does not fall in my favor, there is a reason for that. God has a plan for me and it's very hard to see that sometimes, but I know this to be true.
What would I do next? be a nanny. I have always wanted to go someplace else besides Maryland and nanny a wonderful family and share that wonderful and new experience that I have longed for for quite some time now. I found a uniquely fitted family in Texas. 3 girls. The oldest is 3 and a half; her name is Faith. And the two twins are 2 and a half; Hope and Hannah. They are a christian family with a live-in situation that would be wonderful for me. I honestly just don't know what my life's next step will be and I feel like I need to act fast if I want to save my apartment. My apartment is near and dear to me. It is my living space that sprouts my personality in every nook and crane; it is also my Independence. My apartment is me; and I share this with my three cats and it all feels like a wonderful and balanced home. I have been blessed to have such a gorgeous apartment for two years this coming July. And I have to keep reminding myself that if I am not able to keep this apartment, there is a reason. Something new and wonderful will come along for me, and it will not be the end of the world. It seems like that to me as I type this but I just have to tell myself, it's not.
God has a plan for me.
I wish I knew what it was, but that is the joy and frustration of being a human that got her life saved from the magnificent God above.
I ask you to please pray for me. Pray for God's direction for me and that I may listen with both ears and take his commands lovingly as he knows what is best for me. I thank you.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
What is my next step this time?
I am unemployed.
I need a job.
A place to live.
any suggestions?
Where will my life go this time? I am excited to see what the Lord has planned for me.
I need a job.
A place to live.
any suggestions?
Where will my life go this time? I am excited to see what the Lord has planned for me.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
What Is To Be Expected.
I went to Wal*Mart last night to get a pack of water. I have been dying for some water, and sadly my fridge is still broke and is unable to have some nice cold water. Therefore, I took a trip to the unwanted. I hate Wal*Mart. Every time a trip is made to this superstore there are certain things that are always to be expected.
(1) being the fact that you will always see at least one person there that you know, and you are forced to put on a smile and make polite small chit-chat, because that is to be expected.
(2) there are always some weird high school "gang" wearing all black; walking about the isles making strange noises and acting totally their age. Just in and out of isles, because really; what else is there to do in Cambridge?
(3) Couples crunching to get everything on their list in a matter of minutes. Wife spots Husband browsing at a coffee maker and she asks, "did you get the, fill in the blank here, and he dumbfoundedly looks at her and replies, "What?" Which then aggravates the Wife most likely thinking, why did I bring him here with me?
(4) Everything you want, is most likely going to be out of stock, so that is a trip wasted to be totally honest.
(5) People see other people in the isles and decide to talk for about an hour blocking the only thing that you really need.
(6) A very odd looking couple from high school walking extremely slow, and not to be rude, but it just makes you think, if they are seriously a couple, then why am I not in a relationship?
(7) Running into people you really don't want to see, so you avoid them at all costs, to only bump into them in the next lane and they awkwardly smile or make a gesture that clearly states, "get out of my lane."
This is all to be expected every single trip you take to your local Wal*Mart. I am switching to Target, full time.
(1) being the fact that you will always see at least one person there that you know, and you are forced to put on a smile and make polite small chit-chat, because that is to be expected.
(2) there are always some weird high school "gang" wearing all black; walking about the isles making strange noises and acting totally their age. Just in and out of isles, because really; what else is there to do in Cambridge?
(3) Couples crunching to get everything on their list in a matter of minutes. Wife spots Husband browsing at a coffee maker and she asks, "did you get the, fill in the blank here, and he dumbfoundedly looks at her and replies, "What?" Which then aggravates the Wife most likely thinking, why did I bring him here with me?
(4) Everything you want, is most likely going to be out of stock, so that is a trip wasted to be totally honest.
(5) People see other people in the isles and decide to talk for about an hour blocking the only thing that you really need.
(6) A very odd looking couple from high school walking extremely slow, and not to be rude, but it just makes you think, if they are seriously a couple, then why am I not in a relationship?
(7) Running into people you really don't want to see, so you avoid them at all costs, to only bump into them in the next lane and they awkwardly smile or make a gesture that clearly states, "get out of my lane."
This is all to be expected every single trip you take to your local Wal*Mart. I am switching to Target, full time.
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