part two--song of the day.

get caught in the wave of the bridge.

one with nature

while thinking of nature 85 percent of my day already--i dug this up on my computer. the followed writing of thought is one i did just this time, last year.

do you think that if I planted my feet into the ground amongst the trees that stand brave and tall I could become one with nature and into that type of family and world?
If I closed my eyes and focused and spread my weak pale arms to the sides, I could become something so amazing?
Do you think that I could experience differently all four seasons in such an original way of wonder and beauty such as they do?
Do you think that if I could concentrate hard enough and cry every day, month or even year I could turn into rain?
Do you think that if i should dance and twirl my way into complete dizziness I could become one with the wind?
Do you think that if I painted my skin a more neon yellow, dressed myself in all yellow clothes and shoes, bleached my hair white to stand in a ray of sunshine like a lone reed, the sun would zap me up to its blindness and guide like light?
Do you think that I could force myself to sit in the coldest of lockers and freeze myself into ice that I would then enter into a phase that possibly only a selected few could even think of?
Do you think that I would then finally be able to shed the light into darkness, the leaves into bare nothingness, the ice into water and then rain into mud?
To shed something as natural as the seasons can, in a healthy way instead of anger, hurt, frustration and pain?
But possibly even as twisted as all of this may be, to shed the emotions we do is our healthy way as humans to process and live.
However, I want to be one with nature, so maybe--just maybe--I could turn into rain, wind, ice, sunshine and even the trees.
The world may never know.
But I would like to think so.

i played my best for Him.

my drive yesterday was one of the best drives from georgia to maryland i have ever had.
i woke up at three thirty a.m.
finished things around the house and headed out around four.
perfect.
my plan was coming true.
i got gas, the best cup of coffee (seriously) from pilot and a sliver square of packaged pound cake.
i enjoy the little things--as most of you know.
i think this is what i am known for.
this cup of coffee was amazing.
i pulled the dark roast lever and down it poured.
steam filling my face with happiness.
a touch of dark hazelnut blended within this mix and i finished with a lid.
such a great blend.
filled my car with gas and braved the darkness around me on highway twenty.
the earlier i leave, the absolute better.
i turned my ipod on shuffle and didn't touch it the whole way.
mentally i wanted to clean it out.
if a song came on that i couldn't stand, despised, etc. i would write it down quickly and delete it when i got to maryland.
i only made two mental notes over one hundred and sixty songs.
i figured more would come out of the nine thousand some songs i have--but that didn't happen.
outside, it was dark for a long time.
the sun never really came out until some time in north carolina.
the weather was constantly changing through the four states i drove through.
even through the rain, the darkness, and the length it was such a beautiful trip.
my songs were great.
i love that shuffle button.
then my favorite christmas song came on.
well---one of--maybe number two.
hands down my favorite christmas song/hymn is "o holy night."
but as i have gotten older, "little drummer boy" has seriously bumped up a few notches.
i never liked this song when i was little.
it annoyed me quite frankly but i have seriously come to love it.
it was my inspiration yesterday.
i listened to 'Josh Groban's, "little drummer boy" four times.
right after the other.
it's my favorite.
and it was amazing to notice the emotion it brings when that one note starts singing out of my speakers.
an instant emotion.
i blasted this song.
volume fifty.
then a thought floated in my mind.
i am growing.
i am aging.
i am getting older.
wiser.
smarter.
my priorities are selfless.
i am conforming to God in a way that He wants me to.
i am not conforming to this world but to His word and commandments.
my appreciation for God has immensely sky rocketed since my move here to georgia.
almost two years coming this april.
my walk with Him has been consistent and sweet.
He is always holding my hand but i take His hand in mine daily.
so much has changed for me.
so much of my thoughts have changed.
from a psychology loving--feelings and emotions scientific girl to a Christ obsessed-Book of truths and promises studying and reading-non-psychological and practicality girl------i.am.growing.
[insert scream of happiness here.]
this song came dancing into my heart.
and i instantly choked up.
tears started flowing.
i got this inner chill as if someone turned on my personal a/c.
an inner chill i am very familiar with.
an inner chill that i am thankful for.
{because God is telling me something.}
it's a symbol and a notification that i am in fact still working.
my emotions are in tune.
nothing is flat.
they are all real.
and they are God infused.
God lead.
God is in charge---he orchestrates it all.
my thought----"you can tell that you are getting older when you start instantly crying over a specific phrase, word, or musical note that isn't brought on by nostalgia."
but by praise and thanksgiving.
quickly followed by,
thank you God for You and for Your son.
thank you God for everything you do for me.
i want to honor You.
i want to play my drum for You.
what a pivotal moment that is happening.
that has happened.
that i want to constantly center as my offering for Him.
it was a life changing, noticeably endearing and loving moment as i was on 295 north.
i am studying this sweet little drummer boy.
i have a new love.
i have established a new tradition that i always remember-----years to come.

[shall i play for you. on my drum. i play my drum for Him. so to honor Him. i played my best for Him. then He smiled at me. me and my drum.
it's not about me. it's about Him.]

part two--a glitter piece of thankfulness

my intro to being thankful.

on paper--for the year 2011.

the beginning to lots of glittery pages.

there is so much.

and it's all going down.

a documentation.

a lovely work in progress.

quick weather changes

matty came home the other day from school not feeling well.
now all three of the blanton brothers have stayed home one day each in a one week radius.
i think.
i'm not going to swear to it, but i'm 90 percent sure i'm right.
so he really wanted a mcflurry from mcdonalds.
he got the ok, got the money and we piled in my car on the way to mickeyd's.
point of this story--he rolled his window down.
and i love him for doing it.
i wouldn't have done it.
i lived through the summer with all my windows down.
i suffered rain soaked seats.
roaches to kill in the dead of night.
nature debris laying everywhere.
i loved it but it was also work.
and a pain.
but he rolled that window down and the sweet summer-like breeze seeped in and made itself a home.
within myself.
i was most thankful and rolled out the welcome mat.
i am a roll-your-windows-down-thankful-for-the-warm-air-breeze-[girl]--all around.
my appreciation list is then quickly filled in my mind.
my serotonin level gets jacked up.
i feel lighter and i can conquer anything that should come my way.
i left the window down as i traveled to work in greensboro.
i kept it down as i traveled back home at night.
i love having my windows done.
i even see clearer.

i am so thankful.
for the weather.
that we can [enjoy.]

then we got hit with a crazy monsoon last night.
the rain was pouring.
it was piercing my car.
the roads.
the trees and homeless cats.
and as i was packing for my trip to maryland i was overcome with extreme hunger.
i grabbed my rain jacket, ran out to my car and sat down quickly.
i looked beside me and saw my moleskin journal on the passenger seat seemed darker in color.
i gasped.
i left my window down.
my purse was soaked.
my wallet.

[when i was at work hours before there was a sweet loose leaf piece of paper with some glitter that the boys had accidentally put on the corners and it had dried beautifully. it was ripped a little but i was instantly drawn to this piece of paper. i began writing on it. and i turned it into a beginning devotion of what i am thankful for. it would have sparkled even without the glitter but it was most endearing and i made it a part of me. ]

this magical piece of paper had been rained on.
i must have gasped twenty times because that's all i could do.
it was most troublesome and confusing at the time.
after i was done i picked it up and allowed it to rest in the back seat.
a better atmosphere then the front part of the car.
all in all it was a sad moment---but! i quickly rolled the window up and got some food.
i had realized that most things dry.
simple, yes.
but sometimes that's all we need.
to not wallow in that moment.
i can't change it.
thank goodness it dried today on my way to maryland.
eleven beautiful hours to do so.

and now i am even more thankful then before.

a broken glittery beautiful mess.

this bittersweet thing happened to me yesterday.
i was making coffee and this enormous wine glass was slightly more to the edge of the counter way more then it needed to be--thanks to the cleaning ladies friday morning.
but this is not their fault.
it's mine.
i lifted my arm to fill the filter with coffee when all of a sudden my arm brushed it just a hair, and down it fell leaving an amazing sound that i oddly enjoyed and a huge mess of miniature and large glass pieces sprawled all over the floor.
it was one of the moments like the alarm system.
you feel what's going to happen.
then you know it.
then you see it.
i'm watching this glass fall and i am not quick enough to catch it or even do anything before it shatters to the ground.
you know the sound is coming---just like the alarm system.
but then as everything registers and you are able to than accept what happens next you are left standing by the coffee maker, stunned, amazed and slightly in awe of what's around you.
in this case me.
i didn't get mad.
i didn't say something cross---even though all of it was my fault.
i yelled to the boys to not come in for fear of not wanting what could happen next.
no.
i stayed still and looked at the beauty--and destruction on the floor.
something so put together.
intricately perfect.
and clearly beautiful to then
b.r.e.a.k...
in a hundred pieces.
all it took was a second.
strangely, i wasn't stressed.
i wasn't nervous.
what had already happened, indeed in fact happened.
i can't take it back.
and with that comes acceptance.
accepting of the things that i can not change.
so i walked carefully over to the broom and swept up all of the visible and blended pieces that matched so well with the tiled floor.
i swept it all into a pile.
a pile of glistening mess.
but this pile was too beautiful to me.
so of course i took a picture and reflected on the amazingness.
this is going to sound girly, and frivelous but i know that God puts glitter in things so i can look at them differently.
He puts glitter in the water.
the black concrete roads.
the edges of branches high up in the trees when the sun sets on them.
the rain as it covers His beauty everywhere.
He just does---and it's beautiful.
very much like this pile of glass.
even though it had broken, it was still beautiful to me.
even more so then before.
epiphany?
a lovely reminder for me on a daily basis that when things don't seem to go our way and hurt in the process--even though they all have some sort of beauty billowing from the corners---when life shatters and all else seems to fail He puts a little glitter in it for me.
i can see a new light, and a new way of looking at what He wants me to look at.
for some situations when you go down the road of years laced with unhappiness, God allows you to see why He did what He did.
maybe, to take you out of a situation that you obviously couldn't handle or could have caused more bitterness in that moment of life.
maybe, to take you out of something that you really could have ruined not only for yourself, but for others and the lesson would have been to unbearable to experience.
God is our-my protector.
yes, we may go through things that are painful--but the outcome is glorious because He shines right through.
a sweet reminder that you're not alone.
you're never alone.
i took this picture and admired it a little too long.
but it's beautiful as God makes all things beautiful.
we just have to notice them.
and then praise and thank Him for it.

head.aches.ruin.everything.

-----but God reigns over [all].
and makes everything even better.
better then before.
better then the two minutes before of pure awfulness to then turn everything into pure sweetness.
no one else can do that.
especially when your mood is bound to give others headaches--a newness of greatness comes into the picture, you are feeling much better, then, it drops again.
can we say, girl??
yes, i am.
thankfully.
sometimes.
but i give praises to my forgiving Father who i put my trust in every single day.
i am so thankful for Him and that He is able to transform my moods in to beautiful ones.
after a much needed prayer and injection of peace and a perspective that He wants me to explore, dissect, research and appreciate--all of negativity that once was, is no more.
no one else can do that.
---
i have been with my two boys this weekend in greensboro.
me, girl, age twenty-three, a boy, palmer, age four & a boy, tanner, age six, a golden-somewhat magical retriever, tonic, two lizards and two turtles and the loudest alarm system known to man for three straight days.
i am out of my realm.
my comfort and safe haven.
the laughter that i release because of the boys that i surround myself with every day because of their hilarious nature.
the routine that we all fall into that automatically makes living "comfortable."
transferred to saturday early morning basketball practice, a birthday party at three, and a catholic service on sunday morning followed by sunday school for only one boy.
i was so excited for this service that spoke everything about not even touching my comfort level--experiencing a hidden something that God wants me to hear, see or feel.
i asked Him to open my heart and my mind to receive anything and everything He has set for me [in His plan.]
it didn't go exactly that way.
as we piled out of the house with everything we needed, and then some, i realized i hadn't turned off the alarm system.
as palmer opened the door my mind triggered.
it had reminded itself in this dark corridor of my brain that i hadn't yet turned the light on for yet that all was not going to go according to plan.
all in that same moment of the door opening, to faces of reaction, to everything in my head seriously accepting no sound at all, but a reminder of not turning off the alarm i had not heard the alarm as it went off in an instant.
then a few seconds later of reminding oneself and then being able to accept the chaos around me, i heard the alarm screaming and i dashed.
this was the first time this had happened to me.
and on the way to church.
a church i had never been to.
yay me!
i ran to the alarm system and quickly punched in the code.
my ears rang no more.
no more throbbing to accommodate my headache.
all was silent.
a little too silent.
i picked up my things that i dropped abruptly to walk back out to the door when the phone rang.
alert-alarm-system.
i gave them the code as they asked--and apparently there was another number i was missing.
i had no clue.
i kept repeating the code.
told them who i was.
they jotted my name down and we hung up as i spewed grateful tones.
on to church we went.
in the rain.
tires splashing, green trees blurring.
we arrived to the church and to the phone ringing off the hook.
i hadn't realized.
their mother calling us to make sure all was ok because of the alarm.
we had to smooth out all of the wrinkles i had caused as time ticked on by.
including the service.
we were late to this unknown church in my eyes.
the place was packed.
with no where to sit.
finally after countless times of sitting and standing and reciting their familiarity and tradition we blinked in and found a spot as they stood.
i adore tradition.
i love that they know what to do.
i love their comfort level.
i love that it was probably the way they were raised.
i love their songs---sung in major keys.
but there was a lot that i didn't like also.
i continuously prayed for God to relieve me of my stress that i was experiencing.
i prayed for Him to open my heart.
soften it.
i wanted to relax.
in time it got easier but i didn't learn much.
which is what i desire.
what i yearn for.
God's Word, reminders, faithfulness, and love.
we left in the rain as palmer slept in the back seat.
i went home--fed tonic and grabbed my ipod.
i clicked on good ol' Charles Stanley.
all about God's love.
& how we are supposed to love as He does for us.
selfless love--agape love--His very own sacrificial love.
i was filled with all things warm.
He touched my heart in a way that i so desperately needed.
in that moment.
this morning.
i am so incredibly thankful.
there is no greater love then His.
thank.You.God.